Christmas Cookies

Today my mom, grandma and grandpa came over to make christmas cookies. I have been begging my grandma to teach me how she makes all of her christmas cookies and candy. Today was probally one of the most emotional days I have had through out this whole experience. However I couldn't express it. My grandma cried several times today, because she feels so sick and is having the hardest time speaking and doing anything for myself, she just broke down when we had to do anything for her, half way through my mom got sick and had to sit down, I was just left feeling like "what the hell" I am so angry at the world or whatever, whoever right now that I was taking care of my 45 year old mother and my 77 year old grandmother, not because I mind helping or even taking care of them, but because this shouldn't be how it is. What started out as a day of best intentions turned into the two of them feeling absoutley awful because they barely had any energy. I just so badly want to jump in a time machine and shoot myself back to when I was 6 years old. I want to be little again. I want all that time back, becasue I know my time with them is fading. I seriously feel like I'm on the edge of completely losing it and I don't know how much more of this I can take anymore. I don't think anyone really understands the kind of pain I am in. I try for the most part not to let anyone know how much I'm hurting. I just want my grandma and mom to be how they used to be. And i want my bestfriend to talk to me. I miss him and need him more than ever right now, and he has no clue. I have seriously just rambled on through my tears just now, I don't even know if any of this makes any sense. Something's got to give right? soon? I am not equiped to deal with this on my own. I am trying to be so strong and put on a brave face for everyone but inside i am terrified of what is happening to them.