Christmas Cookies

Today my mom, grandma and grandpa came over to make christmas cookies. I have been begging my grandma to teach me how she makes all of her christmas cookies and candy. Today was probally one of the most emotional days I have had through out this whole experience. However I couldn't express it. My grandma cried several times today, because she feels so sick and is having the hardest time speaking and doing anything for myself, she just broke down when we had to do anything for her, half way through my mom got sick and had to sit down, I was just left feeling like "what the hell" I am so angry at the world or whatever, whoever right now that I was taking care of my 45 year old mother and my 77 year old grandmother, not because I mind helping or even taking care of them, but because this shouldn't be how it is. What started out as a day of best intentions turned into the two of them feeling absoutley awful because they barely had any energy. I just so badly want to jump in a time machine and shoot myself back to when I was 6 years old. I want to be little again. I want all that time back, becasue I know my time with them is fading. I seriously feel like I'm on the edge of completely losing it and I don't know how much more of this I can take anymore. I don't think anyone really understands the kind of pain I am in. I try for the most part not to let anyone know how much I'm hurting. I just want my grandma and mom to be how they used to be. And i want my bestfriend to talk to me. I miss him and need him more than ever right now, and he has no clue. I have seriously just rambled on through my tears just now, I don't even know if any of this makes any sense. Something's got to give right? soon? I am not equiped to deal with this on my own. I am trying to be so strong and put on a brave face for everyone but inside i am terrified of what is happening to them.

Black Friday

Today my mom sits in Akron Hospital, recieving poision through a tube planted in her arm. along with that she is being tested for Lynch Syndrom. If tested positive it would explain the various links of cancer in my family, one one side and with only women. My great-grandmother died of Ovarian Cancer, my grandmother has brain cancer, my mom has colon cancer and my sister had bone cancer which then turned to lung cancer that killed her. Science has proven that with this syndrom brain, ovarian and colon cancer are linked to eachother and that one of those gene carriers can be linked to the type of bone cancer my sister had. Isn't that erie? It's like the twilight zone. So my mom is being tested for this syndrom or the three genes the coincide with it, and then I'll be next to be tested...fantastic..

Lindsey's

Happy Birthday to my two favorite Lindseys. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

Bird-I miss you so much, I think of 311 all the time and Holly Park too. Never in my life had I ever met someone who was SO much like me, and now I never get to see you. That is my fault though. I hope everything is going wonderful with Rod, I miss him too, he's great. Please keep me updated on how your life is, and come visit us, I know Lara misses you alot also, and can you believe it, you have a grandlittle! i know!! I think of you all the time and want you to always know i miss you and will always consider you one of my greatest friends..love you little twiglet.

Cugini-We have been friends since 16. although we lost some years I am so happy that in the last two years we have worked on and quickly rebuilded our friendship. I am so happy for you for how wonderful your life is and just enjoy so much being around your perky self and the fact that your always thinking of me and praying for my happieness. I hope you have a fantastic birthday and can't wait to celebrate on Saturday :) ilu

2008 not so great

Wow, just looking back through those posts that I started not even a year ago. So much has changed in my my life. If I would have only known at the time when my mom was craving lucky charms that it would soon lead to stage three colon cancer, or that when Kelly was having seziures she'd be in the hospital for almost two months and dealing with an illness that could effect her life forever. If I would have known in 2007 that in August 2008 my grandma would have a stroke due to a brain tumor and never be the same again, I would definatly do things different. I wish I could have predicted I'd lose my bestfriend this year. It was a rough year for us, many highs but the lows were to low to stick out I guess. For him anyway, I'm to focused on the other heartbreaking situtations to focus on anything to do with that other than feeling the abandoment from it. I wish I would have known that when I returned to work in late January 2008 that I would soon lose my passion for my job. That I would begin to become frustrated and burned out. However with the bad there is always small glimmers of good, and that would be I bought my first house. My condo is a blessing. Leo is a blessing, he has turned out to be a fantastic dog and a wonderful friend. 6 of my friends were married in 2008. It was such a treat to be apart of their special day and I enjoy watching their relationships grow and mold into better than before. I have had some wonderful opportunties to be a leader by taking on leadership roles in Chi Omega Alumni groups and as well as Lambda Delta Advisor. I even got to visit St. Louis for a Convention and got to meet my second cousin Teagan for the first time. This year I have grown closer to some fantastic friends, while losing and growing apart from others. I believe people come in and out of your life for reasons. I have learned alot about the kind of person I am and who I want to become and have enjoyed spending my free time looking through old pictures of when we were little. Laughing at my mom's huge glasses and tearing up at pictures of Heather. This year would have been alot easier with a big sister by myside, but I have visited her often, something I never took the time to do before. I am searching for strength, and patience and the will to keep going some days. But mostly I am searching for happieness and Peace, that is what I want most of all.

So much going on- day 41

Well its my last week off work. I am really excited to get back to work and have a regular life schedule. If that makes any sense. I feel a little sad about leaving home, now that its getting closer to me moving back to my apartment. I went and looked at a condo on Saturday. I loved it! There is alot going on right now with people in my life so I'm a little stressed at the moment but just staying positive through it all. Not to much else to say. Stay tuned, this will be my last week on here for a looooooooooooong time :)

I walked today!- day 26

Hello!
I'm getting better at walking with my crutches. I even walked from my kitchen to the living room. My ankle is killing me, but I know this isn't going to be easy. I bought my stuff to make my invitations for my birthday party! I am so excited about it! My moms is building me a space in my sisters room for me to scrapbook. So I don't take over the family room. haha. I have the coolest books that show you what to do with all your supplies. This is going to be a really fun project for us to do together! Besides I have sooo much stuff I lose track of what I have. So is there a flu bug going around or WHAT?!! I saw Rhonda and she could barely move her back hurt so bad from it, and my big, wow..she's in the hospital from seizures. I'm so worried about her. And now I think my mom is coming down with something. She says all she wants is Lucky Charms. hahah. I am so ready to go back to my life. I had a mini break down on Friday about it. However I will miss the pampering I get on Saturday mornings at Salon Artistry. haha. Now I'm going to go finish watching America's Next Top Model for the 032984093289023 time since I've been out of surgery. Peace out Girl Scouts!

yes yes i'm a slacker!-day 23-is that serious?

helllllo!

Sorry, everyone who loves reading about my interesting life, that I have been such a slacker on my blog.

So what have I been up to? A whole lot of NOTHING! Got out a few times to the karaoke bar, that keeps me sane, but other than that, I have just been sitting tight. I can put pressure on my leg now, so I have been exercising that by walking (with my crutches of course) every where I go, but it does wear me out. you know I have not watched ONE movie or read ONE book.. I haven't even done any scrap booking, what is wrong with me! haha. Just not up to doing those things I guess. I really just want to get back to my life. Being waited on losses its thrill after three weeks, especially when you can't really enjoy it. Well that is all for now, I'll try to keep up with this better!! :)

peace out girl scout

Happy New Year!!-2 weeks

Happy 2008!!! I have a feeling, this is my year!!! :) :) :)
Hope everyone had a wonderful time last night. I love New Years, haven't had the best times in the past few years, but last night was a really good time! Have I mentioned I want a Wii yet?? holy crap. They are so fun! So our local orthopedic Dr. keeps calling my dad every other day to see how I'm doing..so nice. He actually thinks when I go to see the Dr. who did my surgery next week that he'll tell me that day I can walk on it! Wouldn't that just be wonderful!! :) I'd love to be able to go back to work and just do things on my own. This is truly depressing, I will never take my health for granted again. I'm changing my life starting the minute he says "you may walk"
Leo keeps pulling the cotton out of my leg. He's treating me like the scarecrow on The Wizard of Oz. ha ha. He is much calmer now...weird how testosterone does that. ha ha.

Watching CSI Miami with my dad til the Michigan game starts..GO BLUE

xoxo