Cancer Free!

So it is over with! My momma got her final scans back and everything looked clear! Now we just cross our fingers and pray they stay that way when she goes in for her check ups! Thank you to everyone for all your support throughout this year! Here are some of my favorite pictures of my mom..oh and me too ;)

thank God

She didn't come here to LOSE!

This Friday my mom had her last treatment, she has been such a strong, inspirational woman through out this whole process. Two weeks from now she has her final scans, so I am a little holding off being two excited, til I know we are REALLY done. But this past weekend I have spent the majority of the days with my parents and grandparents. It has been really great. Everyone is in such good spirits, grandma is sleeping in her own bed, sitting up in the wheel chair all day, and talking so much better. The nursing home is coming tomorrow to take a away the hospital bed. It just seems all surreal. Is everything really going to get better?!?!!??! I am so ready for fantastic things to happen for my family. This is definitely the start of a new beginning! Did I mention my mom is done with CHEMO!! wooohoo!!

Fondue=FUN DO!

Last night myself and 13 of of my friends got spiffed up and had a scrumptious dinner at the MELTING POT for my 25th birthday celebration. It was a lot of fun to get together with some friends I hadn't seen in months and just as good to spend time with the ones I see every week. The food at the melting pot was amazing as usual and I enjoyed the whole experience. The only thing missing was my momma. She was so disappointed she couldn't make it. She is still in the hospital. It has been a week now. She has an infection caused by taking to many antibiotics , on top of the flu with made her dehydrated..whew. I don't really have much more to say because my brain is kind of lost at the moment. I didn't even take any pictures at my party, so I'll post some when I get my friends pictures...but until then enjoy this yummy picture of the fondue from the MELTING POT!

Sunshine Days!

Wow today was the closest thing to a great day I've had in a while. The sun was shinning, it was warm(well not freezing) out and the snow was melting. It was awesome. Leo likes me to open the blinds and he looks out the window for hours. To top it off, I got to spend time with just mymomma. no one else. That hasn't happened for a long time. I love when she comes over and we talk about decorating my condo. It makes me feel like she's not sick and everything is back to normal. All in all, I'm feeling okay about today, thanks to the sun, leo and my momma :)

Have I mentioned I HATE chemo?

"In the end there is no proof that chemotherapy in the vast majority of cases actually extends life."---Interview of Dr Ralph Moss, Ph.D.


Oh Chemo,
how you ruin lives, more importantly the lives of three women I love with my whole heart. As most of you know my mom has been going through chemo since September, but next week my 77 year old grandmother beings chemo and radiation for the tumor that was on her brain. I went to see her tonight, and as I sat by her bed and held her hand, I noticed how skinny my volumptious grandmother had gotten. Then I was reminded of how much weight my mom has lost and of course alls I can relate it to is when my sister was sick. For my grandmother, this is the hardest thing she's ever done(besides losing my sister), laying in a bed, helpless. You know the women of our grandmothers generation. They were the ones making sure their husbands had everything they needed when they got home from work, and that dinners were always made at home. They were the ones who never complained about any type of pain and always took care of their family, neighbors, church congration better than a dr. could. Yes this was my grandmother. She is perfect and wonderful, genuine and better than I'll ever hope to be and watching her lay there makes me feel helpless as well. Today she cried because of how sick Chemo has made my mom. Since the chemo my mom takes is cumlative, each time she goes in, she just gets sicker and sicker. However my mom has an excellent out look. Everytime she feels bad she told me she thinks " this is nowhere near as bad as Heather felt, I try to remember that and I try not to complain". She once told me my sisters dosage of chemo was so strong and close to posion that they had to give her anti posion medication so it wouldn't kill her..chemo is the devil. I know my grandma is just scared. I know she is scared that she is in her late 70's trying to fight off cancer. Wouldn't you be scared too? Chemo and radiation has helped save millions of lives but has also not been any help at all and left patients with horrible side and life changing effects. So it's just a toss up. It's a chance. A chance that better save them both. Our family is far over due for a miracle..any day now please :)

Finally Friday!!

Wahoo! It's Friday! This has for sure been a VERY long week, after having two short weeks because of holidays. Good news on the homefront..grandma is being moved to a facility where she can do rehab..and it is just a short 5-10 minutes from my condo! :) Sorry for having such a sloppy blog. I am still trying to figure out all these new features. With help of Ana I am moving along slowly but surely. Thanks Ana ;) Hope everyone has a great Friday night..I'm going to see BRIDE WARS with some girlfriends! Oh lord.

95%

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions, some of which I will prefer not to blog about, but others I want to scream from the mountain tops! My grandma's MRI came back showing they were able to remove 95% of the tumor on her brain! This is great news!! They are planning on bringing her back to Medina and put her in an assisted living place so she can do therapy there with the help of nurses. My only hope is she gets to go somewhere where my grandpa can stay with her too. My mom just called to tell me when she told my grandma I loved her she started to cry. Man I love that woman. And she just has to get better, there is no ifs ands or butts about it. check in later, I'm going to add some pictures when I get home...

I boycotted my blog for a few weeks

Hello world,
Well it has been a very eventful holiday season. My grandma had a biopsy on the tumor on her brain on Christmas Eve. She came home from the hospital on Christmas Day. It was a very different holiday, to say the least. Since her surgery she continued to get worse and her whole body was shutting down. She couldn't even walk, eat or do anything for herself, so my uncle and mom decided to admit her to the hospital on New Years Day. While there they did an MRI and saw her brain was bleeding. They life flighted her to the Cleveland Clinic where she has been ever since. Yesterday she had surgery to remove as much of the tumor as they could. I didn't get to see her while I was there because she was still sleeping, but wow talk about an emotional couple of days. At one point we thought she might be gone in 72 hours if she didn't have the surgery right away. I have really come to realize how important my family is to me, and how important my relationships with them are. It makes my want to have a big family some day even stronger. I can't wait til that day comes :)

Christmas Cookies

Today my mom, grandma and grandpa came over to make christmas cookies. I have been begging my grandma to teach me how she makes all of her christmas cookies and candy. Today was probally one of the most emotional days I have had through out this whole experience. However I couldn't express it. My grandma cried several times today, because she feels so sick and is having the hardest time speaking and doing anything for myself, she just broke down when we had to do anything for her, half way through my mom got sick and had to sit down, I was just left feeling like "what the hell" I am so angry at the world or whatever, whoever right now that I was taking care of my 45 year old mother and my 77 year old grandmother, not because I mind helping or even taking care of them, but because this shouldn't be how it is. What started out as a day of best intentions turned into the two of them feeling absoutley awful because they barely had any energy. I just so badly want to jump in a time machine and shoot myself back to when I was 6 years old. I want to be little again. I want all that time back, becasue I know my time with them is fading. I seriously feel like I'm on the edge of completely losing it and I don't know how much more of this I can take anymore. I don't think anyone really understands the kind of pain I am in. I try for the most part not to let anyone know how much I'm hurting. I just want my grandma and mom to be how they used to be. And i want my bestfriend to talk to me. I miss him and need him more than ever right now, and he has no clue. I have seriously just rambled on through my tears just now, I don't even know if any of this makes any sense. Something's got to give right? soon? I am not equiped to deal with this on my own. I am trying to be so strong and put on a brave face for everyone but inside i am terrified of what is happening to them.

Black Friday

Today my mom sits in Akron Hospital, recieving poision through a tube planted in her arm. along with that she is being tested for Lynch Syndrom. If tested positive it would explain the various links of cancer in my family, one one side and with only women. My great-grandmother died of Ovarian Cancer, my grandmother has brain cancer, my mom has colon cancer and my sister had bone cancer which then turned to lung cancer that killed her. Science has proven that with this syndrom brain, ovarian and colon cancer are linked to eachother and that one of those gene carriers can be linked to the type of bone cancer my sister had. Isn't that erie? It's like the twilight zone. So my mom is being tested for this syndrom or the three genes the coincide with it, and then I'll be next to be tested...fantastic..

2008 not so great

Wow, just looking back through those posts that I started not even a year ago. So much has changed in my my life. If I would have only known at the time when my mom was craving lucky charms that it would soon lead to stage three colon cancer, or that when Kelly was having seziures she'd be in the hospital for almost two months and dealing with an illness that could effect her life forever. If I would have known in 2007 that in August 2008 my grandma would have a stroke due to a brain tumor and never be the same again, I would definatly do things different. I wish I could have predicted I'd lose my bestfriend this year. It was a rough year for us, many highs but the lows were to low to stick out I guess. For him anyway, I'm to focused on the other heartbreaking situtations to focus on anything to do with that other than feeling the abandoment from it. I wish I would have known that when I returned to work in late January 2008 that I would soon lose my passion for my job. That I would begin to become frustrated and burned out. However with the bad there is always small glimmers of good, and that would be I bought my first house. My condo is a blessing. Leo is a blessing, he has turned out to be a fantastic dog and a wonderful friend. 6 of my friends were married in 2008. It was such a treat to be apart of their special day and I enjoy watching their relationships grow and mold into better than before. I have had some wonderful opportunties to be a leader by taking on leadership roles in Chi Omega Alumni groups and as well as Lambda Delta Advisor. I even got to visit St. Louis for a Convention and got to meet my second cousin Teagan for the first time. This year I have grown closer to some fantastic friends, while losing and growing apart from others. I believe people come in and out of your life for reasons. I have learned alot about the kind of person I am and who I want to become and have enjoyed spending my free time looking through old pictures of when we were little. Laughing at my mom's huge glasses and tearing up at pictures of Heather. This year would have been alot easier with a big sister by myside, but I have visited her often, something I never took the time to do before. I am searching for strength, and patience and the will to keep going some days. But mostly I am searching for happieness and Peace, that is what I want most of all.